Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
