Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
