my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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