I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
