o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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