Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
