I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
