I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
