k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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