I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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