If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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