Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
