We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
