Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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