I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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