Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
