Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
