College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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