Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
