I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
