In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
