Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
