I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
