I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
