Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
