you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We got so high we made milksteak
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
