so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
