I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
