Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
