dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
