my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
