another moral hangover. fuck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
