everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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