I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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