don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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