My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
