i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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