Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
did you just send me my own nude
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
