You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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