whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
