the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
