I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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