I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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