nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
