Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
