dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
