You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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