OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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