i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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