I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
