non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
