i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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