i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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