I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
