he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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