she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
