If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
