i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
